I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." --Lucille Ball
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.
No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!!
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I love cats. They taste like chicken.
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them...
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. -- Jack Handey
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -- Douglas Adams
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.' -- Larry Brown
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush, US President
"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter
"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
"One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'"
Sure, the pesticide chlordane is going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown
My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City:
Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now.
I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"