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Top 10 Lists

Page 2
Top 10 Dumbest Criminals
Top 10 Weirdest Statements
Top 12 Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers
Top 10 Ways to Keep Wackiness in the Workplace
Top 10 Worst Things to See on Your Performance Evaluation



Top 10
Dumbest Criminals

10. Strike one!
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

9. "Hello? Guns for hire?"
Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

8. Say cheese!
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

7. Drop everything and run!
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

6. Just forget it
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

5. Ouch
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .

4. Let's do a little math
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

3. I know I forgot something
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

2. You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

1. The Hefty-bag
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

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Top 10
Weirdest Statements

(Made by prospective employees during an interview)

10. "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

9. "People are always watching me."

8. "My legs are really hairy."

7. "I think I'm going to throw up."

6. "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."

5. "I feel uneasy indoors."

4. "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

3. "I get excited very easily."

2. "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

1. "I am fascinated by fire."

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Top 12 Ways to
Get Rid of Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."

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Top 10 Ways to
Keep Wackiness in the Workplace

10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.

8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.

7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.

4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

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Top 10 Worst Things
to See on Your Performance Evaluation

(Real excerpts from performance evaluations)

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

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