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Page 5
Top 20 Reasons OJ Didn't Do It
Top 20 Things to Do While Ordering a Pizza
Top 36 Funniest Newspaper Headlines

Top 20 Reasons
OJ Didn't Do It

20. Slow speed Bronco chase actually a distraught O.J. headed for nearest golf course in search of real killers.

19. Everyone just wanted to get O.J. in trouble.

18. After Nicole's funeral, made loving gesture at gravesite by throwing in first truckload of dirt.

17. Before making incriminating statement to police, was unfairly read Miranda rights.

16. Was first to show up at Nicole's funeral.

15. When O.J. fled the scene of Nicole's 1989 beating, was actually chasing "real" wife-beaters.

14. Ninja-waiter Ron Goldman could have easily overpowered O.J.

13. Using twin knives, Ron and Nicole were proclaiming themselves blood brother-sister when something went terribly wrong.

12. Hey, can you remember every little thing YOU did on the night of June 12, 1994?

11. Ron and Nicole could have planned this whole thing just to make O.J. look bad.

10. Has rare condition causing him to bleed whenever ex-wives under attack.

9. Blood in Bronco could have come from extra-rare McDonald's hamburger.

8. When he's on TV, he looks you straight in the eye.

7. When upset, O.J. has been known to cough up other people's DNA.

6. O.J.'s blood in Bronco could have come from self-mutilation upon learning Nicole was running with the wrong crowd.

5. O.J.'s bleeding on murder night could have been psychic distress signal from Nicole.

4. LAPD "rush to judgment" in not first considering the murder scene a practical joke.

3. Ron and Nicole were standing too close as O.J. made frenzied suicide attempt.

2. No one remembers O.J. announcing he was going to commit murder.

1. Close friends say O.J. reacts to bad news by breaking glass, bleeding, disguising himself, and putting a gun to his head "all the time".

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Top 20 Things to Do
While Ordering a Pizza

20. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

19. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

18. Put them on hold.

17. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented...

16. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

15. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

14. Be vague in your order. When they ask what you'd like on your pizza say, "Oh, a little of this, a little of that..."

13. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

12. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

11. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

10. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

9. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

8. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

7. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the jazz about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

5. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

4. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

3. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

2. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

1. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

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Top 36 Funniest
Newspaper Headlines

36. Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

35. Queen Mary having bottom scraped

34. NJ judge to rule on nude beach

33. Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

32. Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

31. Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

30. Dealers will hear car talk at noon

29. Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

28. Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984

27. Cold wave linked to temperatures

26. Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

25. Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

24. Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

23. Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

22. William Kelly was fed secretary

21. Milk drinkers are turning to powder

20. Farmer bill dies in house

19. Iraqi head seeks arms

18. Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

17. Miners refuse to work after death

16. If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

15. War dims hope for peace

14. Child's death ruins couple's holiday

13. Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

12. Man is fatally slain

11. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

10. Eye drops off shelf

9. Squad helps dog bite victim

8. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

7. Never withhold herpes from loved one

6. Child's stool great for use in garden

5. Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

4. Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

3. Prostitutes appeal to Pope

2. Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

1. Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

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