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Page 1
Top 10 Things to Do at the Mall
Top 10 Reasons OJ is the Unluckiest Man Alive
Top 10 Unusual Things Done During an Interview
Top 10 Ways to Freak-Out Your Co-Workers
Top 10 Drinking Symptoms

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

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Top 10 Reasons
OJ is the Unluckiest Man Alive

10. Murdered woman just happened to be same woman O.J. beat up.

9. Made unlucky choice of gloves and shoes for photo session.

8. Picked the wrong night to wear someone else's socks.

7. Made unfortunate choice producing "O.J. Tells" video deciding between Beta and VHS.

6. Forgot to take the stand during criminal trial.

5. Should have asked about those annoying red spots when Bronco was purchased.

4. Exactly wrong time for arthritis to flare up, blowing lie detector test.

3. The one night O.J. desperately needed an alibi, decided to sleep alone.

2. Still can't figure out how he got lost on freeway trying to surrender to police.

1. Had to pick the night of the murders to start bleeding uncontrollably.

Top 10 Unusual Things
Done During an Interview

10. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

8. Candidate brought large dog to interview.

7. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

6. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hair piece.

5. Applicant said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

4. Candidate dozed off during interview.

3. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

2. Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

1. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

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Top 10 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Co-Workers

10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, "DISK FIGHT!!!" and bop them on the head with a disk.

3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, "Whoa, that looked so real!"

1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

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Top 10
Drinking Symptoms

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

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